I'm discouraged.
I've been trying really hard to not let this become a place for personal rants or whining or whatnot, and more an outlet for expressive depictions of both random thoughts and day-to-day anecdotes, but I have to be cathartic to-day, and for that I apologize. I also apologize for the length of that sentence; it definitely borders on run-on status.
I was just rejected for a job.
It's just a lovely way to wake up in the morning to your phone ringing, seeing an unknown number - which I kind of love, by the way; unknown numbers spell intrigue! adventure! etc! - making sure you answer in a semi-coherent way, and have a nice lady tell you that your availability just isn't going to work. Let's back up a minute so I can fully explain why one tiny rejection is making me so upset.
As previously stated on this blog, I work at an Applebee's, and I love it there. I do. I enjoy the people, the fast-paced nature, the job itself. I enjoy it thoroughly. That said, it's been a long, slow, summer, and unless things start picking up soon, I will have to give up eating food just so I can pay my bills and still save a little bit every month. I must. save. money. So I can move to a big city and pursue my dream of working in publishing.
Okay. So you know I work at the 'bee's. Unfortunately, that's a sporadic income. I never know how much I'm going to make from day to day, aside from the $2.13 an hour I make serving or the $3.25 an hour I make bartending. My second job has been at the local branch of a large midwestern university, as an administrative assistant, and then as the editor of the newsletter for one of the colleges. However, that has also turned out to be sporadic income, because the Dean of the college seems to find joy in putting off his tasks as long as humanly possible, thus delaying the project and preventing me from EVER LEAVING. Let's review: like Applebee's, sporadic income. Dislike college, but pays more, but has also become sporadic income. Can we say SUCKS.
I began a search for a new second job awhile ago. I applied everywhere, citing that I need decent wages. That's probably why I haven't gotten any calls. Limited availability and staunch refusal to work minimum wage. I have a freaking college degree and I just got rejected for a job at KOHL'S. The CLOTHING STORE. Because I'm not willing to work Friday nights, since I'm keeping Applebee's on those nights so I actually have a chance to make more than $20 a shift. The sad part? Out of all the places I applied, Kohl's was my BACKUP. The pretty-much-guaranteed-shoo-in job.
I just don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I've been sending out resumes to publishing groups and working so hard for the past year at these stupid menial jobs to save money so I can make my dream happen and I'm just looking in the mirror and seeing a life as a waitress in Fort Wayne. Having been a waitress, I can say that it's really hard work, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with being a waitress full-time to make ends meet, but I have such bigger aspirations. I just thought I was going to do something after graduation, and the real world has slapped me over and over as I attempt to climb out of this hole of the Midwest.
Final thoughts. Last night I went to my sister's back-to-school night, since my mum is out of town at a funeral and my dad wasn't feeling well. I played surrogate parent; which, admittedly, was kind of fun. I saw one of my old teachers, MA,whom I adored in high school, and we had a conversation that really prompted me to think about my job search. Her daughter is working in Chicago right now, and struggled just as I am with finding a position, especially from a distance as I am attempting to do (Chicago and New York aren't exactly a jaunt away. Well, Chicago isn't bad at all; New York is another story). My teacher told me that her daughter tried searching from afar and eventually just moved to the city jobless. Within six weeks, she had a position. Granted, she's not in publishing, she's in finance, but STILL. That REALLY makes me want to just pick up and move. REALLY. BADLY. I'm so tired of being rejected and not getting answers and being told that I'm not good enough to sell clothing to haggard soccer moms and run a register like I did for four years in high school and fold t-shirts like I've been doing since I was eight.
I need to take action. Do something to combat this negativity and this discouragement. Stop whining to the internet and GET OUT THERE.
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2 comments:
Oh, Holly, you're in such a tough situation right now.
That description of you trying to "climb out of this hole" in the midwest is so compelling. It's hard to go after your dreams. It's hard to not be financially stable.
It's hard to a 20 something in this crappy economy. (Or, ever, probably.)
Good luck, my love. You will be great and do great things. I know it.
awe, my heart goes out to you. the situation sounds so frustrating, and making that jump to a bigtime job in a bigtime city can be hard.
if you can save enough (or already have saved enough) that you can make the move and be jobless for, say a month (ideally you'd be jobless for a day, but interviews, finding the job you want, getting that job, etc) i'd say make the move. you'd have a LOT of motivation to be out pounding the pavement if you are actually there, you know? just plan a lot in advance, pre-move.
best of luck, wherever you end up :)
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